Random Outlaw

Maybe One

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that we may only ever have one child.  Last November I really wanted another baby and R and I were both on board.  Looking back now, I think we  were lucky that it didn't work, because I am stretched so thin right now, there's no way I could handle another baby. 

It makes me a little sad (downgraded from a lot sad).  I really enjoy my siblings now that we are all mostly adults and I feel bad that I may not be able to provide that for the Moosh.  I'm sad that I may never get to have a homebirth (although if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that it is a long shot anyway).  I'm sad that I won't get a chance to nurse a baby again. 

On the flip side I'm happy that we are getting past the baby stage and I won't have to go through all that again.  I am not a baby/toddler person.  One of the reasons that I use the TV so much is that I simply can't stand playing games that babies like.  I find it mind-numbing and get distracted easily.   I don't like baby books.  I don't like being puked on.  I live for the day that the Moosh walks up to me and says, "Mom, I'm going to throw up!"  Then, at least, I have a chance of containing it somehow. 

I wish I were a supermom and domestic goddess who possesses all the patience in the world.  I wish that I could handle another baby.  I just don't think I can.  I can be a fantastic mom to one child, or a mediocre mom to two children.  If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I'm far more inclined to be a fantastic mom to one child. 

I really feel the need to make a concrete decision about this.  I can't stand this maybe we will/maybe we won't waffling any longer.  If we are not going to have any more kids then we need to start making schooling decisions and so forth so that the poor Moosh can start making friends.  The once a week playgroup just isn't meeting his social demands right now.

So to recap: I am sad, yet happy, but tired of sitting on the fence.  It is time to fish or cut bait.  Right.  I'll get on that immediately.

Jealousy

The Moosh is asleep, and I am off today so I am supposed to be enjoying leisure time.  Not that I would know what that is or what to do with it.  Not at all.  In addition, the neighbor kids are playing outside with thier mother and are randomly yelling, "MOMMY!" and it sounds just like the Moosh waking up from his nap, so I keep running back to the bedroom to check on him. He refuses to just get up and walk out of the room after he wakes up.   He has a hard time transitioning from sleeping to awake after his nap.  I don't really know why.

I am both green and blue today.  We went to a playgroup meeting at the park, where it was revealed that both of the moms who were there are pregnant with their third child.  Their first children are slightly older than the Moosh. In fact, the Moosh is the oldest only child in that playgroup. I have a secret desire to have three children, which the realistic part of me konws is never, ever going to happen.  I congratulated both of them, but inside I was thinking, "Why can't that be me?  Just a little?  Why can't I feel secure enough to have another child? What is wrong with me?"

Sometimes I think I am too much of a realist to have more than one kid.  I categorically dread going through pregnancy again.  I love breastfeeding, and I think it's probably the most special thing about having a baby, and yet when I realize that I will have to make that commitment all over again, I feel overwhelmed.  Then there is the old war chest of the Moosh's first 18 months of life, which were pure hell for all of us. 

In addition, the older the Moosh gets, the more the longing to have another baby decreases.  He is so wonderful and so complex, I think I'm almost tempting fate to ask for another child as perfect for our family as he is.  Rocky start aside, R, the Moosh, and I have grown really close as a family.   I think I am waiting for things to be "perfect" so that I can feel secure in having another kid, but of course that's never going to happen. 

I am certainly not ready to have a baby now, because my thyroid medicine has run out and I have to get it refilled.  When will I have time?  Who knows?  When I mentioned it to AN (because she has to babysit), she rolled her eyes and heaved a huge sigh, but said that she would do it.  I feel bad even asking her, but I have no one else.   I also need to get off caffeine and at least attempt to eat more wholesome foods.  I get tired just writing it down.

Sometimes I think my standards for parenting are too high, and that's why everyone else has a bunch of kids and the Moosh is an only child.  I have committed myself to attachment parenting and gentle discipline (no spanking, minimal punishment) which requires the parent to grow up and put the child's needs first.  This is hard for me, but I am convinced, unequivocally, that it is the right thing to do.  I worry that adding a baby to the mix is going to make me throw my whole commitment out the window because everyone (and I mean everyone) tells me that once I have two kids, I will throw my lofty ideals out the window.  OK, but what if I want to have another kid and keep my lofty ideals?  What then?

I just don't know what to do.  I am lost in the woods.  I think this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  There are so many variables and the stakes are so high, and given my tendency to overanalyze things I may finally make a decision when I am 50 or so. Gah.

Decisions, Decisions

I write this blog for a lot of reasons, but mainly it's to help me sort out my life or tell funny stories that wouldn't get told otherwise.  Part of that "sorting out my life" theme has concentrated around having our next baby.  I'm sorry if it's been tiresome... because I'm going to write about it again.

Those who are playing the home game may recall that I made the decision to go ahead and TTC our next child back in May.  I had accepted the fact that the babies might be closer together in age than I had originally intended (less than three years), but I decided that I didn't care.   And since I ditched the birth control I figured that a baby was right around the corner.  Apparently not.  I started to get a little nervous, because I really wanted the kids to be three years apart in school.   This cycle was my last chance to achieve that (a child here has to have turned five before September 1 to start kindergarten here), and lo, my chance has expired.  Fertility Friend has given me an ovulation date, and (if it stays, I don't really have faith in the temperature reading I got this morning) it was way after the last time we'd had sex.  I mean like eight days.  So it's not gonna happen.

I read a lot of infertility blogs, and I have the feeling that the writers of them would be shocked and appalled and angry with me because I had the audacity to try and plan a due date.   Thing is, I'd never had the experience of being unable to plan a due date.  It seemed like fun, a good idea.  The Moosh was an unplanned pregnancy, so I've never had the chance to have that kind of control before.  I've since realized that maybe I shouldn't have tried for that much control, because the upshot was that I got all stressed out and upset and now I'm disappointed. 

Maybe this is a good thing though.  I need to get to an endocrinologist and have my thyroid and other hormone levels checked.  I really need to lose some weight before I get pregnant.   I would at least like to be in waving distance of my "fighting weight"  (the weight I was when I got pregnant with the Moosh) and right now I'm almost 30 lbs over that.   Since my "three years apart in school" opportunity has passed, now it really doesn't matter when I get pregnant. 

My ultimate goal is to have a homebirth with Next Baby.  In order to do that, I really need to work on getting in shape before I get pregnant.   That is not to say that just being overweight is enough to risk me out of homebirth, but if I start the pregnancy at a higher weight, it increases the chances of complications, which I don't want.   So I think I'm going to take a break for a few months, lose some weight, get my thyroid healthy, and try, try again.

Flogging A Dead Horse

It's totally Indigo Girl's fault that I'm beating this dead horse yet again.  Blame her.

Things are far, far better here at the Random Outlaw homeland.  Cleaning the house, having dinner ready, and canceling the lawn service has caused a complete turnaround in R's behavior.  He is actually happy.  Pleasant to be around.  Doesn't yell at me all the time.  It's kind of like living in the twilight zone.

Thing is, I feel good about it, too.  The house isn't just clean... it sparkles.  The decluttering project has made it far easier to keep everything picked up. I actually went out and bought cleaning products yesterday.  My menu plan is working really well.  I am no longer walking in the door every night wondering what we are going to fight about.  I have reduced my eating out dramatically -- I haven't bought dinner out at work in almost two weeks.  This has to be some kind of record.   

And the cherry on top of the sundae: I'm losing weight.  My clothes are fitting far better even though I haven't stopped drinking cokes. 

I think a large part of the upswing in my whole outlook is that I'm taking my thyroid medicine every day, and the birth control is finally out of my system.  I feel like a million bucks in comparison to the time when I was on birth control, but off the thyroid meds. 

It seems that that downturn we had a couple of weeks ago was actually a good thing.  I had to reevaluate my priorities and define what I wanted out of our relationship and also what I was willing to do in order to make it work.  I have done that, and it is working. 

Now we have to decide what we want to do about the whole next baby problem.  If I were to conceive this cycle or next, it would be great because the baby would be born in the summer when my mom is on her vacation from work.  I would have plenty of help and so forth.   The kids would be spaced exactly three years apart. 

The thing is... I'm having doubts again.  Things are working so well right now, for the first time in a long time.  I actually see a future for our situation.  My pregnancy with the Moosh was extremely debilitating - I had morning sickness for half my pregnancy.  Do I really want to throw that wrench into my life at this time?  I don't know.

R still wants to go ahead with it.  He says we have always wanted two kids, and our relationship has been through ups and downs before and we come out better for it on the other side.   He is right, of course.

My sister and mother both think we should go ahead with it.  They have pledged their time to be my support system after the baby comes, especially if R is still working the crazy hours.  In addition, my sister has promised to help me with the housework and the cleaning while I am in the debilitating phase of my pregnancy.   So I have a back up plan for that.

My mother says she knows that I will deeply regret it if I don't have another baby.  I think she is right.  I'm just... on the fence.  I've been on the freaking fence so long, I don't know how to get off.  I'm tired of the indecision and I wish it would just happen already so that I could get it over with.

Uncertainty

The time to execute our next baby plan (rev. 129873664) is nigh... we're supposed to start TTC this month.  I am having reservations about moving forward withh the plan at this time, mainly because of the state of R's business and his pervasive crappy attitude.

The current problem is that R thinks the business is going under.  It has been open for a total of four months.  I keep telling him to keep his chin up and it will get better, but it may take a while.  He is a defeatist, and so keeps assuring me that we will be declaring bankruptcy any moment.

Whenever he talks about bankruptcy I have a a heart attack.

Our house, our cars, and most of our personal belongings were put up as collateral for the business loan.  I had reservations about doing that but R was firm.  "It will be fine!" he said.  It was also the only way they would give us the substantial loan to start up the business.

Now R is talking about bankruptcy.  Which means he's talking about us losing everything.  Everything. Our good credit rating.  The house. The cars.   When I ask him what we'll do for money he says that he'll go back to his old job at the dairy (he was a quality control analyst).   This does nothing to mitigate my heart palpatations.

It's not just the material possessions... I had counted on this business to be R's retirement fund.  He is 16 years older than I am.  He currently has no retirement fund, except for our business investment.   If the business goes away, so does the money to support him when he is older.

We lived like paupers for four years (in a 500 sq. ft. apartment that cost $450 a month) so that we could save money for his business.  We made a really great buy on our house, with a purchase price that was $30,000 under the original asking price.  The house has appreciated in value significantly in the two years we've owned it.  We could lose all of that.

He talks about bankruptcy all the time.  Whenever I talk to him on the phone, he mentions bankruptcy at some point in the conversation.

My sister thinks he just hates running the store and is talking about bankruptcy because he sees that as the only way to get out from under the business.  As much as I understand him hating the business (I hate it, too) I don't understand how he can be so laissez-faire about throwing away all our work and savings.  It's killing me.

Is is any wonder that I am having reservations about having another child now? Between the strain of being the only available parental figure for most of the day, work, and Mr. Mary Sunshine, I am just super positive and totally happy all the time.  All ready to have that baby! Not.

I had promised myself that I would not repeat the same situation we had when I was pregnant with the Moosh: when I found out I was pregnant, I was a temp trying to get hired on at GTC, so I had no permanent job.  Needless to say, the months after I found out I was pregnant but before I got hired were extremely stressful.  R thought I was going to get fired, or worse, not hired becuase of the pregnancy (this was actually a real possibility, as Texas has no protection for pregnant workers).  We fought constantly and I felt very guilty about all the negativity surrounding the pregnancy.  I eventually did get hired, and it all worked out really well, but those first few months were horrible.   I would really like to have a more positive experience the next time around.

R sees no problem with going ahead with the baby plan, because he has no intention of helping me in any way.  So he says.  I asked him why he gets the impression that I would want to have another child in this situation.  "Your mother had five babies," he said brightly, "what did she do?"

"My dad helped her, R."

"Oh."

So yeah, I'm having reservations about this whole thing.

Unfortunately the clock is ticking for us to finish this baby thing.  I really don't want to have kids after I'm 30 or 31.  This is just a personal preference.   Also, we both agree that we don't want to have kids after R turns 47, so our time is relatively limited.  If we don't go ahead and have another child by early 2007 we probably won't have another one.  Which would be fine, except...

I really want another baby.  I want the Moosh to have a sibling. I wish things were easier.

Information Overload

I'm really interested in going the more natural parenting route with next baby.  I want to do a home birth or, failing that, a natural birth center birth.  I want to use cloth diapers.   I already do attachment parenting, and natural parenting is really just an extension of AP. So naturally, being the internet junkie that I am, I have started researching my options.

On the home birth/birth center option, I was able to find several references for midwives in the area, birth center options, etc.  This is easy information to find and process, especially because I am already experienced with the birth process and I know what I want.

But, my god, how on earth is anyone supposed to make heads or tails of cloth diapering???

I have pored over different sites, considered cost options, and read, read, read.  Most cloth diaper proponents figure that disposable diaper users do so just because they don't care are or ignorant about diapering in general.*  This is not the case, at least in my case.   I think the problem with cloth diapering is the staggering amount of options combined with the conflicting opinions of users.  It is truly mind boggling.

With disposables, it's easy.  You go to the store, and you have a limited number of options, all of which are fairly similar in style and use.   They are put on the kid in a standard, simple way.  It's really a no brainer. 

But with cloth it is just not that simple on its face.  It's not like you can go to Target, or Wal-mart, or Babies-R-US and pick up the supplies you need.  You have to special order them from mail order catalogs or buy them off the internet.    Then, you have to figure out what kind of diapers to buy: just pre-folds with some kind of fastener, pre-folds with covers, fitted diapers with covers, or all-in-one diapers which are fitted diapers with the covers sewn onto them. This is where is begins to get confusing.

Some people swear by the prefolds, usually with the covers.   These same people usually hate the all-in-ones because they are expensive and purportedly wear out quickly.  Others swear by the fitted diapers with the covers, but still  use prefolds.  Still others just use fitted diapers full time. Some people swear by all-in-ones because they are supposedly the most convenient option, much like disposables,except you have to wash them.  OK, but how does that help me, the uninformed consumer, to choose diapers?

From looking at all of the various and sundry options, I am more inclined to go with either the Fuzzi Bunz system (a cover with an inserted prefold diaper) or the Kissaluvs fitted diapers with covers.  Personally, I do not want to futz with all kids of different diapers.   I'd like to have one, or maybe two choices. 

But then I start looking at prices, and I realize that the fitted diapers (Kissaluvs) and Fuzzi Bunz are flipping expensive.  Kissaluvs are about $10-$11 each, and for full time diapering, you need 24 to 30 diapers.   Fuzzi Bunz are about $15 each, not including the insert, and you need 16-20 diapers and 24-36 inserts.  So for one size, the Kissaluvs system will cost about $360 (30 diapers and 8 covers) and the Fuzzi Bunz will run you about $350 (20 diapers and 36 inserts).  A typical infant will go through three size changes within the first year, running you a bill of about $1000, which is pretty much the same as what you'd pay for disposables.   This cost does not include the one time costs, such as cloth wipes, an XL pail liner, washable tote bags, etc.

Then you have the different washing options.  Baking soda, vinegar, BioKleen, BacOut, product after product, method after method.  Hot or cold water?  One washing cycle or two? Dry pail method or wet pail method? To dunk in the toilet or not to dunk? Use the rice paper liners or not?

Argh, this is all so freaking confusing.  I am halfway inclined to drop the whole thing now and just stick with my trusty Pampers.

I am mainly interested in cloth diapering for the comfort value  (cloth is softer and doesn't cause as many rashes). I also think that it would be a very economical option for an older child  who's not going to change sizes all that much, or if you're planning to have a lot of kids, so the diapers would get a lot of use.  I am having trouble determining how it is a more desirable economic option in the first year, with no children following the cloth diapered child.  I don't believe that all cloth diapering parents out there just use prefolds with pins, which is the most economically sound option.  It seems clear to me that, with the staggering number of choices available, people spend a lot of money on cloth diapers.

I'm now going to play a round of ask the internet:  do any of you use cloth diapers, and, if so, would you please clarify a few things for me?  How do you wash/care for your diapers?  What kind of diapers do you use?  How much did you spend and how many sizes have you gone through so far? I don't mind spending money for convenience, since I will be doing that anyway with disposables, but if I can save some money, that would be great.

Things that are dealbreakers for me: any toilet dunking, the whole wet pail thing, pins, expensive washing agents (I use All Free and Clear and Oxiclean for all my washing needs), any complicated process at all.  I want this to be easy. 

*At www.diaperpin.com, there is a hilarious little opus called The Diaper Drama, in which the author opines that parents are child abusers because they do not change their babies' disposable diapers often enough, and that disposable users are so dumb that they don't even read the notice on the disposable diaper package about how they need to clean the poop out of disposables before they throw them away.  Well I guess I must be blind as well as dumb, because when I looked on the package of Pampers at my house this morning, I could find nary a word about cleaning poop out of anything.  But, of course, I am an uneducated boob, so what do I know?

Screw It

Summer left a comment on my previous post that pretty much summed up my thoughts on the whole birth control thing.  Right now I feel like crap and I think that the birth control is directly responsible.  I am also beginning to see that it has been directly responsible for most of my problems for the last few years.  Bottom line: the birth control fucks with my thyroid meds, which in turn makes me depressed, which in turn makes me not want to take my thyroid meds.  I am beginning to see a pattern here.  (Only took me 4 years!)

The most balanced months of my adult life have been when I was keeping up with my thyroid condition and not on birth control.  As soon as I started taking the birth control again, things kind of went to hell.

Summer postulates that my continuing health may be better rewarded by just going ahead and stopping the birth control while simultaneously being aware of my fertility and realizing that I may have our second child earlier than my planned date of 2007.   

I have this awful need to try and control everything that happens with next baby because I am petrified of having another baby.  I'm really afraid of going through the same hell that I went through with the Moosh.  I don't want to do that again.   I do want to have another child, however.  I love children.  Unfortunately you have to go through the baby thing before you get the kid thing.  Dammit.

I have very little faith in natural family planning (NFP).  My parents used it, and they have five kids, people!  My mom readily admits that she and my dad didn't stay faithful to the NFP plan, however.   I still have my doubts.  The human body is not a machine.  It doesn't just pop out an egg once a month in all cases.  Sometimes you get flukes.   The kicker for us is that we are planning another child anyway.  So it really doesn't matter if there's a fluke, because we want another child.

I was talking about this whole scenario with my sister, and her point was that this time will be different.  No, not might be, will be.  I am no longer working nights. R is no longer working nights.  We will both be home to help each other.   We will have babysitting help as opposed to trying to do it all ourselves as we did with the Moosh.  Those things are a given.   That, indeed, will be different.  We already have a babysitter.  Who says I have to take care of both kids by myself?  I can just keep the sitter to help me out during my maternity leave. 

I still get an extra bonus in 2006 that can go for things like a housekeeping service.   I have been with the company long enough now that I will receive full pay for my maternity leave instead of just 2 weeks, and then 4 at 60%, as it was with the Moosh.  I have Super Suppers now.

My sister also said that I may just have to give up some of the control and realize that the first three months or so of next baby's life may be pure hell, but then it will get better, as it did with the Moosh.   

After mulling over this information, I am now in negotiations with R to see if he's willing to shoot for a 2006 date.  R hates to make decisions.  He usually just leaves this stuff up to me, but I refuse to move forward with this plan without full disclosure of my intentions.   R's current stance is that he won't be taking care of new baby anyway.  When he said that about the Moosh, I got all upset and was mad at him for six months.  Having had the Moosh, however, I know that he is full of crap and will not put next baby down after its' arrival.  Trust me on this one.

So my current tentative plan is to scrap the grand revision, and go with the original plan, aiming for next baby to come in the late spring of next year.   The Moosh will be three (or almost three), and will not be potty trained unless a miracle happens.

I might also get some of my sanity and good health back.  After the next baby project is complete, I will move forward with an IUD, so as to take the added hormones out of my system, while still being allowed baby free hot monkey lovin'.   Good times.

The Revision Of The Grand Master Plan

So I came up with this Grand Master Plan about 6 months ago, when I realized that we were actually going to buy the business, and that we finally had some idea where we would be in two or three years.   The topic of the Grand Master Plan is: when we are going to have our next baby?

The original version of the plan called for me hopefully getting pregnant in the late summer of this year, and having the baby sometime next spring, around the time that the Moosh turned three.  So I was going to go off birth control about now, in order to get things back on track for getting prego in September or October.   It all seemed like a done deal in my head.

But then I started thinking.  I realized that my main desire for having the kids three years apart was that I just wanted to get this baby thing over with.  That is not a particularly good reason for child spacing.   In addition, I wanted to have the Moosh fully potty trained, sleeping through the night, and weaned before the next baby arrived.  Well he is weaned, but he is not yet sleeping through the night (but he is so close!), and we won't even begin potty training until after he turns three.   So we would have a new baby and a preschooler still in diapers at the same time.   This does not sound easy.

Then there's the money thing.  As of 2006 I will have completed four years of employment at Gigantic Telephone Company, and I will start receiving long term bonuses.  My 2006 bonus is not fantastic, but it is a considerable amount of money.  I planned to use both my long term bonus and my short term incentive bonus to cover some of the new baby expenses. 

I am not going the cheap route for next baby.  I will have a housecleaner for at least the first year of next baby's life.  I also want to buy another breast pump (which should be covered by my insurance, but you never know).  If my mother is not available to help me I will hire a post-partum doula for a few weeks after the birth so that I do not have to face the crushing lonliness and the near starvation I went through after the Moosh was born. 

So anyway, I was mulling over all of this information, especially the part about two kids in diapers, and I started thinking that there had to be a better way to do things.  What if I planned to have next baby in the spring of 2007 instead of 2006.  You know, postpone the whole thing for a year. 

Yes, have the baby in 2007!  The Moosh will be almost four and will most likely be potty trained.  R's business will be over 2 years old and he might be in a better position to help me with the baby.  That was a major roadblock in the 2006 plan.  I'm practically a single parent now.  Do I really want to be a single parent of two kids? No.   I get an even bigger (about four times bigger) bonus in March of 2007.   I would be able to pay for all the things I want! Yes! Yes!

The 2007 plan seems perfect in so many ways.  The only thing that I am sad about is that by then my wonderful sister will have probably moved on with her life and will no longer be our babysitter.  This makes me sad because she is so good with the Moosh, and they love each other so much, and next baby will not get to experience that.  In fact, the most likely outcome for the child care situation is that we will hire a nanny for as long as we can afford it, and then I will switch to day shift and we will put both children in day care.   Actually, if we could hire a nanny for just the first year of next baby's life, the Moosh will be in Kindergarten, and then we'd only have one kid in day care.

So the Grand Master Plan has been revised.  I will remain on birth control (the lovely OrthoEvra patch, which is easy, easy, easy, and I haven't forgotten it once since I've been on it) until next year.  This is not to say that the Grand Master Plan won't face further revisions down the line, but I am currently happy with this one.

Some of you may be questioning the need for a Master Plan in the first place.  Many years ago I read a book by Mr. Unpronouncable called Finding Flow.  It is kind of a self-help book, but not really. 

The one thing that I remember from this book is the difference between goal-oriented (autotelic) and non-goal-oriented (non-autotelic) people.  It's simple: people who set realistic goals for themselves, whether they actually achieve all of them are not, are significantly happier than their non-autotelic peers.  When I read this book I was in my first year of college, and it forced me to draw up a plan, pick a major, and stick with it until I graduated.  Those were some of the best years of my life, because I felt that I was accomplishing something.  I want to try and set similar goals in my current life because it worked so well before.  Since we bought the business I've been able to start setting goals, and I've been much happier.

Moral Superiority

Sometimes I wonder about the parenting choices we've made, about the burden we've put on ourselves in raising this child. I was reading Julia's blog (just started on the archives) and she was writing about how desperately she needs another child. I am amazed when I hear people talk in such glowing terms about their future children. I really, really wish I had the same feelings.

After I had the Moosh things went downhill pretty fast. Here we'd had this uneventful pregnancy, uneventful birth and a beautiful baby. The truth is that I was completely overwhelmed. The baby was beautiful and perfect, but he cried and cried for 12-15 hours every day for the first 3 months of his life. Then he continued crying, screaming if we left him alone for any length of time until he became mobile (around 7.5 months). I hated myself. I hated my husband. I hated everything during that 8 months or so after the baby was born.

Actually, strangely enough I don't remember actively hating the baby. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I think the main thing was that I didn't enjoy having him. He seemed to be doing fine, though. Whatever we were doing was working for him. It just took some getting used to.

I had an aquaintence at work who had a baby 4 weeks after I had mine. Of course, we entered a baby competition. Friends, I hate that parent. You know, the one who hears what your child did and then claims that his/hers did it 2 seconds before yours. Here's my confession: I was that parent. For a while, it's the only thing that got me through having a baby. I retrospect I realize how tiresome I must have been, going up to my friend and pumping him for information about his child or his parenting style, only to gloat about how my child/parenting style was so much better in my head. Out of my mouth came these crappy platitudes, "Oh, so-and-so's not crawling yet? Really? Because Moosh was crawling at blah, blah, blah." God, I was such a bitch.

We are committed attachment parents. No crying-it-out, no schedule, we carried him around all the time, we breastfed for 18 months (he weaned himself to the bottle), the baby either slept with me or my husband when I was working nights, and now that I'm on the evening shift, he sleeps with me exclusively. Unlike many who grow to hate the family bed, it has never bothered me. My parents played musical beds with all five of their babies and everyone turned out just fine. I know that one day he'll leave my bed, for his own, just as someday he'll leave my house to live somewhere else. It's all a process. I think the only way we really deviated from attachment parenting "doctrine" was that I did not stay at home. We worked so hard to make that kid happy.

For a while it just didn't work. He was a classic high-needs child and frankly, high-needs children and first time parents do not a happy group make. We were all miserable. I really don't think it had anything to do with our choice of parenting style. That kid would have been unhappy and a bad sleeper no matter what we did. I am convinced that we did the right thing, but everyone I talked to thought the parenting style produced the high-needs baby and they told me so in no uncertain terms.

My workmate who had a baby four weeks after mine hated being a parent, too. After the always rocky newborn time, though, his baby settled down and was acually pretty easy. Considering that our baby screamed constantly and stayed up all night, hearing stories about their baby who went to sleep by himself, woke up maybe once or twice at night, and took good naps made me want to throttle my friend for saying that having a baby is hard. His baby was a sweet, easy baby and it was too much for him and his wife. He talked constantly about their fabulous schedule and how they never had to spend more than three hours with the kid on weekdays (baby was in day care), and I just wanted to shoot him. I think that the culmination of the baby competition thing we had going on was the day he told me that his wife felt sorry for me, that I had such a hard time. I was amazed. I couldn't believe it. Because I felt sorry for them with their baby unfriendly lifestyle (in my personal, warped opinion).

When the Moosh started walking, he had a complete personality makeover. He became happy and balanced. He chattered at us and followed us around like a little puppy dog. I started to enjoy having a kid around. And since I was happier, I stopped needing to put other parents down to make myself feel better about how I was raising my child. Now he and I are inseparable and I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But if someone told me how it was going to be before I had him, I think back on it and realize that I don't know if I could have gone through with the whole pregnancy/birth/newborn thing knowing in advance what it was going to be like.

I just wish that I were enamored with the whole baby making process. I have written about this before, but it's been bothering me, because I can't just get blind and optimistic and know that everything is going to be easy and OK.

Truthfully, my desire to have another child is more for logical reasons. I want the Moosh to have a sibling. I want my husband to have the second child he's always hoped for. I just want this desire to actually become a desire, not just the logical conclusion.

Well this post is long enough. I guess it's time to wrangle with this problem in my head.

New Parent Optimism

R and I are trying to decide when (if?) we want to expand our family. You see, our son Moosh, now 19 months old, gave us a real run for our money when he was born. He was terminally unhappy as an infant, and it seemed we could do nothing right. Eventually we persevered, as people do, but our rosy vision of having a baby has certainly been tempered with our prior experience.

I see other people having kid after kid and I wonder what's wrong with me? I can barely fathom having a second child much less a third or fourth. As much as I hate to say it, I think that if I were a stay at home mom, I wouldn't be as reluctant to have another kid, because that would be my whole life. Of course, if I were a stay at home mom, I would probably be crazy, too, so I'm sure my judgement would be impaired.

But I'm not a SAHM, and the whole process of balancing work and family is hard enough with one child, let alone two. So what's a working mom to do?

I must say that as the Moosh gets older, I can sort of see having another one. He is much more independent now, but I still have that nagging voice inside my head. What if he screams for 10 months straight like the Moosh? How will I get anything done with two of them? Will my job/family suffer?

But this weekend as I was reading Michelle Au's annoucement, I realized that what I need is a good dose of New Parent Optimism. When I saw that ultrasound of her baby, I felt a rush of nostalgia for my pregnancy with the Moosh. When it's your first, you have so much hope and so many expectations about how great it's going to be, all of which are total crap because you have absolutely no idea what you're getting into. That's not to say that it doesn't turn out great in the end, but it's the getting there that's the kicker.

Besides, my mom says that I'm due for an easy baby. I know just because she said that, we're going to have the baby from hell. But I hope not. I really want a baby that I can enjoy. So I am going to go into the next phase of baby making with the New Parent Outlook. Everything will be fine. Everyone has two kids. It can't be that bad.

See? It's working already.