Random Outlaw

Today Was Kind Of Awesome

R stayed home today to spend time as a family for the first time in 2.5 years.  The Moosh was in heaven.  R was in heaven.  I cleaned.  By myself.  Without the TV blaring in the background and without a bored kid dogging my every step.  While I won't go so far to say that I was in heaven, I was happy that I accomplished so much and that everyone was happy while I was doing it.  We even went out to lunch!

R drives me nuts, though.  He spends 80% of his time making derogatory comments about, well, everything.  The kitchen is dirty.  I never clean.  I spend too much money.  The Moosh has too many toys.  We wouldn't be in debt if I would control my spending. I never clean.  The kitchen is dirty..... etc., etc., ad infinitum.

It used to really bother me.  Now it only marginally bothers me, mainly because I am no longer invested in our relationship.  I have told him time and time again (and will continue to tell him, no doubt, until our relationship is kaput) that if he is unwilling to clean, then he must accept that the cleaning will be done on MY schedule.  Is that so hard to understand?  If you don't like it, clean it.  If you don't want to clean it, then you have to wait until somebody else is ready, willing, and able to clean it.  If that doesn't work for you, TOUGH.  You are choosing not to take control of the issue. The end.

I accpted long ago that R was never going to take responsibility for the housework.  I don't even mind that I have to do it all (much....). There are only 3 people in our house.  It's not like I'm cleaning up after 8 people like I did when I was a teenager living in my parents' house.  That truly sucked.  In fact, if R is home every Sunday the house will probably stay pretty clean if I put in an hour or two every weekend. 

It's just... ahhhhh! Be a fucking team player!!!

But other than that it was a lovely day.  :)

The Big Talk

I had my last prospective lawyer interview today.  I think this guy will be our lawyer.  He's intelligent and responsive, and I have no doubt that he'll get us through this bankruptcy with our shirts on our backs, so to speak.

R is still working at the store.  I don't think he wants to sit at home all day with me here, but that's OK, because I don't really want him here either.  We are both monstrously stressed, and consequently any extended time we spend together usually ends in harsh words and hurt feelings.  We're still processing this whole change and it is crazy.

When the lawyer found out that R was still working at the store, he flipped out.  He asked me if we had any ability to pay the loan next month and I told him that we didn't - that 2 or 3 days that R took off work has sunk us, essentially.  The lawyer then told me that if that was the case, then R is simply working for the bank, because if we are going to default on the loan all of the money in the safe and in the corporate bank accounts essentially belongs to the bank.  He (lawyer) feels that R's time would be better spent finding another job and wrapping things up at the business.

We have to file by the end of February 2007, before my bonuses come in.  If we file after the bonuses come in, we'll have even more money to get rid of before we file.  Lawyer feels that it would be best to just rip the band-aid off and do it quickly, rather than wating around and potentially losing a bunch of cash to the courts.

It's just so mind boggling.  R and I have always been careful with our savings, and now we are being required to be as close to penniless as possible.  It's a weird feeling - I feel kind of giddy about the fact that I might have a nice car for once in my life - but my happiness is concomitantly soiled by that fact that getting R to part with that money is going to be like pulling teeth.  He's going to want to nickel and dime everything, but this is the one case where we need to spend, and spend freely.

Tonight I will present my plan for filing bankruptcy to R.  The plan is as follows:

• Shut down the business as soon as possible (December 15 is a likely date)
• Surrender business and business property to the bank.
• Buy a new car.
• Sell off four older cars.
• Repair air conditioner in house.
• Install new garage door.
• Replace flooring in house.
• Replace major appliances (if there's enough left over after other projects).
• Install sprinkler system.
• R finds new job.
• We continue to expend our money in living expenses every month.
• We file in February.

In my dreams, I envision putting forth this plan to R, while gently guiding him through the inevitable course of losing all his money.  Finally he comes to the realization that I am right, and we move forward with the plan.

What is more likely to happen is that when faced with spending all the money, he flips out and starts yelling that everyone is stealing from him.  Then I will get mad because he is being so unrealistic and wants to keep his head in the clouds all the time (hence not coming to even ONE lawyer meeting).  He will then inform me that I just want to spend money and that he will die alone and penniless, because who will take care of him in his old age?  Then I will get mad and huff off while he mutters to himself about how crazy and irresponsible I am, while I mutter about how crazy and irresponsible HE is.

I am SO looking forward to this talk!

I Think I May Have Been Transported To Another Planet In My Sleep

After writing yesterday's post I called R and told him I needed this month's money.  I told him I needed a minimum of $700, preferably $800 or more.  He went on and on about inflation and how I always ask him for more, and I spent about 5 minutes telling him that, hello, things are damn expensive and we have bills to pay.  It's our standard song and dance.

When I got home he was in a good mood (weird for a give-me-money day) but we didn't interact much because I was busy taking care of the Moosh.  Then things started to get weird.

He cleaned his bathroom. He did this without being asked or making snide remarks to me about my housekeeping. Just went in there and cleaned the toilet and the floor around the toilet.  It was surreal, somewhat like a Magritte painting.  It was like walking into your living room and seeing an F-15 sitting there.

Then he put the Moosh to bed.

When I woke up this morning, there was a blank check waiting for me on the computer.

You guys, I am totally freaked out.  Do you think I'm on another planet or that the aliens came here and just switched the old R with a new, improved, but ultimately Earth destroying model?  Not that I'm complaining....

Color Me Tired

Of course, the minute I get depressing news about my health, R wigs out and starts making me regret ever having laid eyes on him.

R is very much like the Grand Old Duke of York, in that when he's up he's up, and when he's down oh-crap-watch-out-everyone.  He has the emotional control of an 18-month-old.   When I got home from work last night, he did not so much as look up when I walked in the door, so I already guessed that he was pissed, but of course, with him,  you never know why.

I went about changing my clothes and playing with the Moosh for a few minutes, then he called me into the living room to tell me that:

• I am the worst housekeeper ever and that the house is full of bugs.
• To never cook or provide food for him ever, ever, ever because he is tired of chicken.
• My sister is evil incarnate because she turned the thermostat down to 75 degrees.

I countered with the very balanced reply of , "Oh, nice to see you, too, and by the way, FUCK OFF."  We tiffed for a few minutes, until I finally told him that if these issues bothered him that much, then I thought we were probably better off living apart.  And for the very first time, he said, "Maybe you're right."  Well it's about damn time. 

You know, looking at the list above, it doesn't seem that bad.  It's the way he flips out over this stuff - the agressive stance, mean squinty eyes, wild gesticulating, and the hurling of epithets that seals the deal.  It really is a lot of energy wasted over bugs and chicken, I must say.  I have implored him, on more occasions then I can count, to pick his battles and let the small stuff go, but he either can't or doesn't want to, but honestly it makes me miserable and it makes him look like a fool, and no, I don't want to raise my child in this type of environment.

I am loathe to just leave, even though I know you are all screaming at me to LEAVE HIM DAMMIT!!!  I want there to be some sort of relationship there for us after the divorce.  If I leave without getting his consent (however reluctant) I will be an enemy forever more, and I would really like to avoid that if at all possible.  It may not be possible, since we cannot continue this farce for much longer, but I would really like to avoid the blind rage point. 

Giving up the house will be hard for me.  I actually like where we live now, but my family is up north about 30 minutes away, and that already interferes with their ability to help me out with babysitting and what not.  When R and I break up I will have to move closer to them so that they can provide the support that I have been so sorely lacking for the last 20 months.   I would love to keep the house (theoretically), but I can't afford it.  I really need to reduce my living expenses, and that's not going to happen if I stay in the house we're living in now.

The Moosh is a problem.  In my mind R barely sees him anyway (only for about 10 hours a week, and I'm being generous), so I don't think the divorce will be that different.  In the past, R has insisted that he wants to have full custody of the Moosh, and the only way he would agree to divorce is if I agreed to give him full custody, and that if I left and took the Moosh, he would fight me until we were both broke for custody.  I have no interest in putting my child through something like that, and I also can't agree to give custody to a person who works 14 hour days, 7 days a week.  This is what's been keeping us together for the last few months, this major disagreement on the custody issue. 

Yesterday was the first time I had heard R admit that breaking up might be the right thing to do.  I would prefer a separation until the business is sold, but I think it might be too complicated legally - technically I own half the business and I invested cash in the business, we both own the house but I've paid for the majority of it, and I have no intention of giving him access to the proceeds from the sale of it. 

I can't believe things have gotten this bad.  We only see each other for about 20-30 minutes a day, and R seems to do his best to make that half hour the worst half hour of my day.  He makes no effort to control himself in front of the Moosh, doesn't cook, clean, do laundry, or make any household contribution other than throwing fits.  I have to practically beat his monthly monetary contribution out of him and I am so. fucking. tired. of. fighting.  I can't take this any more.  God.

I will probably take this post down later, but I just needed to get it all out, and maybe get some internet hugs.

Wherein Things Fall Apart And Then Get Put Back Together

I know I've been neglecting you, but it's hard to write blog posts with a really heavy 2-year-old hanging off your arm.  I am currently fending him off, but he is circling the room demanding attention as I write.

This has been the most boring vacation to date.  I think the family has grown complacent, in a way.  They think we're going to come every year and so they can just catch us on the flip side, so to speak.  Sadly, this is not the case... we've been lucky the last three years, but our luck is running out, especially considering the expense to travel and the usurping of my vacation time.  We just can't do it every year.  I know for a fact that we won't be coming next year, because there is potential news, known only to me and no one else at this point.  The news is not confirmed, so I won't say anything more until next week when we get home.

Anyway, yes, the complacency.  The English speaking nephew is gone more than he is here, which makes communication a distinct challenge.  In addition, the family doesn't like the laptop, because they feel that the Moosh would rathter watch videos than play.  This is slightly true: when they are just sitting around, he would much rather watch videos than sit with them.  When people come over to play with him specifically he is all over it.  He loves to play, but hates being bored.

Then a couple of days ago I was talking to R on the phone and he started harping on me because the Moosh wasn't playing with the family enough.  I explained the situation in full, then he dropped the bomb that he knew about the laptop.  Crap.

Apparently one of the nephews told R that all the Moosh did was watch TV and that he wasn't playing at all.  I told R that this was a complete lie, but R decided that I was lying and that the nephew was telling the truth, so he started yelling at me about the laptop and watching TV, etc.  Then I lost it.  I mean I LOST IT.  I was barely hanging on as it was, and he was attacking my lifeline, essentially.  I hung up on him and spent the rest of the day crying.  I canceled our trip to the beach, because I am just not up to it and the family was really upset.

The next day I called R to try and smooth things over and to petition him to tell his family to let me come home early.  We started arguing again about the laptop, because he was still stuck on the nephew's version of the story.   After I finished talking to R, I came back to our room where the Moosh had been watching a video on the laptop, only to find that he had popped several keys off of the laptop keyboard.  The laptop that I do not own.  Yes there were more tears and I scared the Moosh half to death with my reaction.  I was able to fix four of the keys, but the fifth key (the H key) is kaput.

I guess I own an H key-less laptop now.  Not to mention, how ironic is it that the Moosh was destroying the very thing we were fighting over?  Irony, why do you tease me this way?

After that whole episode, R's sister called him in the afternoon to set the story straight and he apologized to me.  I accepted the apology, but I told him that I wished that he would stop making assumptions and then get angry about those assumptions.  I pointed out that his assumptions had pretty much ruined two days of my vacation and two days of his family's visit.  He apologized again.

We'll be finishing out the visit, but only because I am feeling better.  I honestly think it would be better to go home, but I don't want to cut the visit short because I'm about 99% sure we're not coming back next year and I want them to have time with us.

Technophile/Technophobe

Our home computer died on Thursday.  Both the system fans failed (I had suspected something was wrong with one fan for a while, but did nothing), and the whole thing overheated and shut down.   R flipped out and demanded that I fix it.  I told him that I thought we'd gotten our money's worth and that we just need to accept the fact that it's time for a new computer.  It's five years old, for cripes sake.  Computers aren't meant to alst forever.

Both of us are holding out on our repective positions, but I KNOW I am going to win on this one because I took apart the power supply (at R's request to try and replace the fan) and I broke it.  We can't replace the power supply because the goddamn manufacturer bolted the motherboard to a non-removable side panel of the case.  The power supply plug is stuck behind the frame for the CD-ROM and storage devices and I CAN'T GET IT OUT.  I carved up my hand trying and then gave up and told R that we were going to get a new one.  (Side note - if you know how to get it out DON'T TELL ME. I don't want to get it out.  I want a new computer.) 

It's difficult being a technophile married to a technophobe.  I go to my technophile friends' houses and they've got the sweet setup with a desktop or two and a laptop all running on wireless network and I wet my pants with jealousy.  Then I go home and boot up my super slow computer and surf the internet looking for sweet deals.  When I present said sweet deals to R, he vetos me by appealing to my inner cheapskate - our current computer works fine, why do you want to mess with it?  Because I do, OK?  That's what computer geeks do.  We twiddle, tweak, and constantly search for upgrades.  That is the raison d'etre of a computer geek.  He's a car geek, he doesn't understand.

The final humiliation came a couple of weeks ago when I upgraded my internet and TV service.  The service guys complained the entire time they were installing my service because my system is so slow.  I stood in the back of the room trying to defend my position, "Well, it is five years old, you know."  "Yeah, my husband hates computers, so I don't upgrade very often."  "I've been shopping for a new, tricked out system - as soon as I get my bonus, i'll be upgrading for sure!"  I went in to work that day and started searching for computers.  One of my friends came over to view my choices and asked me why I was in such a rush to find something new.  I told him the story about the service guys and he said, "Oh, I see.  The Verizon guys shamed you."  Why yes.  Yes they did.

When I broached the subject of a new computer to R, I included what I thought was the perfect bribe.  "If you let me buy a new computer, I'll take the Moosh to Iran this year."  At that time the desktop was still working, so I was angling to buy a laptop that I could take with me to visit his family.  He said no because he wanted me to pay for the plane tickets out of my bonus and doesn't understand the concept behind mobile computing. "How can you take the computer with you to Iran?" Sigh.

But now, the old warhorse is dead, and she ain't coming back.  I have seen to that personally.  R is grumpy but is becoming resigned to the whole idea.  He wants to "take a look" at the computer when he gets home from work tonight.  I told him to look as long as he likes - he doesn't know anything about computer hardware so I'm not too worried.  I will resort to outright sabotage if necessary.  After he looks, I will put in my final nudge - we have business stuff on that hard drive that needs to be transferred ASAP. 

As soon as I realized that I would be buying a new machine for real I had to decide what kind of system to buy.  Still smarting from the bad case design problem that is preventing me from fixing my current computer, I went to Best Buy to price their systems.  All of the computers I had any interest in had the same type of case design.  Those systems are meant for people who will never even open the case.  I am not one of those people, so I jumped on Newegg.com and found all the parts that I need to build a system that is 3.5 times faster than my old one.  Wow.  I am all a-twitter.

After I finalized my system design, I called my brother to boast about my new sweet machine.  He is jealous.  As he should be.

Theoretical Situation

A little taste of what I am up against:

Last night R and I had a fight because he was angry that I threw away some open food boxes in the pantry that hadn't been touched in months.   It was a few almost empty boxes of cereal and crackers.  He was angry because I threw it away, because I bought it in the first place, because it hadn't all been eaten, because I hadn't donated it to charity instead of throwing it away, and because he thinks I spend too much money in general.  The fight was short; I shut him down when he started swearing and the Moosh was still awake.  Then he was angry with me for shutting him down and I was extremely pissed over the swearing in front of the baby. 

From experience, I know that when he starts screaming at me over money, it's because he is worried about paying for something.   Our worst fights have occured of this type of fear/worry on his part.  I called him this afternoon to talk, yet again, about fighting and language in front of the Moosh.  The craziest part of the conversation went like this:

Me: It's not appropriate and I can't allow it to continue to happen.

Him: Stop spending too much money.

Me: I'd really like to focus on the fighting issue right now.

Him: We wouldn't fight if didn't buy so much stuff at the store.

Me: OK, I buy too much stuff at the store.  Is that really a reason to scream at me?

Him: YES.  We need money. You spend too much money.  You're always asking me for money.

Me: I ask you for the agreed-upon amount of money every month.  This month I asked you for a little extra for Christmas.  Your money goes directly to pay AN for watching the Moosh.  The rest of the money is mine and goes to paying for household expenses.  I don't know what more you want me to do.

Him: We need to save money for the Moosh.  For when he's 18 and he goes to college.

Me: What?

Him: How is he going to buy a car?  How will he pay for books and tuition?

Me: Actually, I'm more worried about how to pay the house payment.  And to buy food.  In case you haven't noticed, THE MOOSH IS TWO YEARS OLD!

Him: But one day he'll go to college, right?

Me: Theoretically, yes.  But I don't think we should be worrying about that right this second.

Him: Well you should theoretically be putting $100 into an account for him every month.  Why aren't you doing that?  Why are you buying junk? Huh?

Me: How about this? By the time the Moosh is 18, we'll have paid off the house.  So, theoretically, he can use that money to buy a car and go to college.

Him: Stop being theoretical!

I think I need a drink. Of the alcoholic persuasion.

This Is Why

The Moosh had a bad night last night.  I think he had gas, the horrible kind that just makes you so uncomfortable, and yet you can't do anything about it.  He tossed, turned, got up, lay down, and whined for three and a half hours while I valiantly tried to make him feel better.

Finally, around 5:30 AM, R woke up and heard us struggling.  He came in the room, asked us what was going on, and when I told him we'd been at it for over three hours, the first words out of his mouth were, "Why didn't you call me sooner?"

He scooped up the Moosh and walked the floor with him, gave him a bath, warmed up some tea, and worked some magic, and the Moosh was a happy camper within 20 minutes.  Then we all settled down in the Moosh's and my room on the really big bed and went to sleep.  He knew exactly what to do, when I didn't know.

This is why I work so hard to make it through the hard times.  R is an amazing father, and he did both the Moosh and me a big favor this morning.

Later, after the Moosh and I had a chance to sleep, I called R and thanked him.  I said, "You're the best Baba we could ask for."  He said, "No problem. You're the best Mom we could ask for."

:)

Flogging A Dead Horse

It's totally Indigo Girl's fault that I'm beating this dead horse yet again.  Blame her.

Things are far, far better here at the Random Outlaw homeland.  Cleaning the house, having dinner ready, and canceling the lawn service has caused a complete turnaround in R's behavior.  He is actually happy.  Pleasant to be around.  Doesn't yell at me all the time.  It's kind of like living in the twilight zone.

Thing is, I feel good about it, too.  The house isn't just clean... it sparkles.  The decluttering project has made it far easier to keep everything picked up. I actually went out and bought cleaning products yesterday.  My menu plan is working really well.  I am no longer walking in the door every night wondering what we are going to fight about.  I have reduced my eating out dramatically -- I haven't bought dinner out at work in almost two weeks.  This has to be some kind of record.   

And the cherry on top of the sundae: I'm losing weight.  My clothes are fitting far better even though I haven't stopped drinking cokes. 

I think a large part of the upswing in my whole outlook is that I'm taking my thyroid medicine every day, and the birth control is finally out of my system.  I feel like a million bucks in comparison to the time when I was on birth control, but off the thyroid meds. 

It seems that that downturn we had a couple of weeks ago was actually a good thing.  I had to reevaluate my priorities and define what I wanted out of our relationship and also what I was willing to do in order to make it work.  I have done that, and it is working. 

Now we have to decide what we want to do about the whole next baby problem.  If I were to conceive this cycle or next, it would be great because the baby would be born in the summer when my mom is on her vacation from work.  I would have plenty of help and so forth.   The kids would be spaced exactly three years apart. 

The thing is... I'm having doubts again.  Things are working so well right now, for the first time in a long time.  I actually see a future for our situation.  My pregnancy with the Moosh was extremely debilitating - I had morning sickness for half my pregnancy.  Do I really want to throw that wrench into my life at this time?  I don't know.

R still wants to go ahead with it.  He says we have always wanted two kids, and our relationship has been through ups and downs before and we come out better for it on the other side.   He is right, of course.

My sister and mother both think we should go ahead with it.  They have pledged their time to be my support system after the baby comes, especially if R is still working the crazy hours.  In addition, my sister has promised to help me with the housework and the cleaning while I am in the debilitating phase of my pregnancy.   So I have a back up plan for that.

My mother says she knows that I will deeply regret it if I don't have another baby.  I think she is right.  I'm just... on the fence.  I've been on the freaking fence so long, I don't know how to get off.  I'm tired of the indecision and I wish it would just happen already so that I could get it over with.

Cuisine

Alina asked what I like to cook.

I love to cook.  My dad is an amateur gourmet, and taught me practically everything I know.  What I didn't learn from him, I've picked up on cooking shows.  When R and I were first married, I planned and shopped for every meal we ate.  We never ate out.  That is, we never ate out until we had a big fight over who did more work around the house, and he told me that cooking "wasn't work" so I quit cooking and started eating out all the time.

For those of you who know that meal preparation and planning is a whole lot of work, you can imagine why I haven't cooked much over the last 3 years.  I had morning sickness with the Moosh from the time I was six weeks pregnant until I was 20 weeks pregnant.  14 weeks of debilitating morning sickness took its toll on my ability to shop, so we just ate out.  Then I had the Moosh, and honestly, I don't know how anyone cooks with young baby.  They certainly don't hang out while you whip together something.  No, if I cooked, the Moosh screamed, interposed himself between me and the stove, hung onto my leg, etc., until I threw up my hands in utter defeat.   R hates to eat out, doesn't trust food that's not made in our own kitchen, and was mad at me about all the money I spent eating out. Fun times.

Truly, the amount of work involved in actual cooking is staggering.  Likewise with keeping the house clean.  Usually, I can keep up with one, but not the other.  This has been the case for the last few months. The house was a mess, but dinner was cooked.  When I was doing Super Suppers, the house was clean(er).   Thing is, after a while, we all got a little tired of Super Suppers.  After we became familiar with what was on the menu, and took into account everyone's likes and dislikes, we couldn't find enough stuff that we liked to make an order.   I got a lot of good ideas for recipes and preparing food in advance, however, so I just started to cook again.  When we introduced the Moosh to Sesame Street, I actually had time to make a quick dinner without the histrionics.

Now that I'm getting into cooking again, I'm really enjoying it.  I like finding new recipes, tweaking them, and trying them out.  My favorite site for dinner stuff is Kraft Foods.  I like this site because the recipes are good, the food is readily available in the grocery store, it's easy to make substitutions,  and most of the recipes are kid friendly.  They have approximately 1,902 variations on macaroni and cheese, the Moosh's current favorite food.  Kid friendly also means Lisa friendly, because I really am just a kid in my food tastes.

The menu I planned out for this month is working perfectly.  I am already in the process of making next month's menu.  I used to have a system where we had a 4 week rotating menu.  It quit working after a while because it was so inflexible.  My current menu is a list of meals for a given date range.  I do the date ranges so that I can buy perishable items (fresh produce, milk, etc.) in a timely manner.  I used to have a dinner planned for each day of the week, but I was always changing it around and it just got confusing.  With my current system, I just cross off meals as I make them, so I can prepare what I'm in the mood for that day, or I can prepare whatever we have left for that date range.  I only shop for the non-perishable items and stuff that can be frozen once a month.  I hope I can continue to make this system work, because it works so well.

As the Moosh grows up, my life gets steadily easier.  TV has really helped our relationship, no matter how guilty I feel about it.  I love to cook, and I'm glad that I can do it again.