Random Outlaw

Solutions

I feel better.  Last week sucked though.  Lisa V. was right when she wrote in the comments that I was in a low period... I was sick.  Sick, sick, sick last week and loathe to take a day off because it was only the 2nd week in January and I can't even think of using my precious sick time in the first 2 weeks of the year. It makes me twitch.

I have decided to rearrange my schedule so that I am doing almost all of my chores in the morning and leaving the evenings free for relaxation and family.  I had made this elaborate menu plan but all the stuff just takes way too long to make.  I think I will cook complicated meals on the weekends, and feed R leftovers during the week while the Moosh and I eat pasta and chicken nuggets.  We'll waste less food that way, too.   I used to make the Moosh's lunch in the morning, but instead I decided to move the lunch prep to the evening before and make it with the Moosh's input (so that he will acutally eat it rather than playing with it).  Moving the lunch prep makes room in the morning for a quick run to the store before I get home.  I also decided to reallocate 20 minutes from the afternoon after I wake up to the morning before I go to bed (so I will be waking up later) and making sure that I utilize the time well rather than slogging around the house doing absolutely nothing.  Waking up later also has the benefit of making me less tired at work... so I think this will be a winning situation all the way around which makes me hap-hap-happy.

I have also decided to let the TV watching go as long as we are getting other stimulation and everyone is happy.  We have a unique situation in our house with a husband who's gone all the time, a working mom, and a kid who cannot spend a single minute by himself without practically having a heart attack... we have to make judgements based on OUR situation at THIS time, and me beating myself up over something so trivial is not helping.

Whew.  That was boring!

I am really enjoying the winter solitude at work these days.  It is notoriously slow around here in the winter and I love it.  It's a good down time before the whole country gets rained on in the spring.

I Thought I Would Be Better At This

I've been thinking a lot lately about parenting because honestly I think I'm doing a pretty crappy job.  I was such a great parent before I had a kid!  I envisioned all these things we would do together and how wonderful it would be... and while we do things together and it is occasionally wonderful, there's also a whole lot of work involved. 

I know what the primary problem is: I am an introvert, and the Moosh is an extreme extrovert.  He fills his cup by spending time with people.  I had hoped that being at school all day would help him, um, leave me alone more at home, and it kind of does, but all he wants to do is watch TV.  When the TV is off, he wants to be with me.  But if I have spent every waking moment of my day cooking/cleaning/picking up from school/etc. I need time to wind down, or else I become a horrendous bitch.   So what happens is that the TV gets turned on when we come home, and I feel massively guilty because it pretty much stays on until R comes home.  That is not to say that the Moosh sits there like a lump in front of the TV all night - far from it, actually - but it's still there, and it feels like a constant intrusion.

I thought parenting would be more fun.  It turns out that I am just not that good at being pulled in 17 directions.  It's not something you can really know until you're being pulled in 17 directions and you start going slowly insane.  THEN you know that you're not good at it.  That's how I feel now.

I am really worried about the Moosh starting real school in the fall.  I don't know how I am going to handle homework on top of everything else.  The Moosh is really opposed to me doing anything structured with him at all. He won't even let me read to him these days.  It's very discouraging.   I worry about how is school performance will suffer if I can't help him with his homework.  We all know R is not going to be around to help. 

I thought writing this out would help, but I'm feeling more down about it now.  I'll stop here an revisit later if I can.

Items For The New Year

Lots of things to cover, so I'll jump right in:

Santa

I caved like a cheap canvas tent on this one.  It was all Santa, all the time at our house until, like, yesterday, when I told the Moosh that Santa is now firmly esconced in his ice palace in the North Pole, and no, we can't visit.

Honestly he buys into Santa so deeply that even if I did tell him that I am Santa, I don't think he'd believe me, so I decided just to go with the flow.

New Year's Resolutions

I tried to make these attainable this year, because I usually fail miserably at them.  So, without further adieu:

• Extend the Moosh's school day to 7-7.5 hours, thereby allowing me to get more beauty rest.
• Treat school like school and not daycare... no more skipping even if I happen to be off that day.
• No more picking the Moosh up early on Fridays as a matter of course... I need downtime, and I am paying for it anyway.
• Try to get in a massage/hair cut/eyebrow wax/pedicure once a month (picking one, not all of them!).  If I go to the beauty school it is not at all expensive and I need to pay more attention to myself.
• More exercise! My T-Tapp schedule got thrown out last July and I need to at least do BWO+ 3x a week.  That's 45 minutes.  Surely I can come up with 45 minutes a week!

That's it, boring, I know.

Fucking Taxes

R didn't pay me last month causing me to swear loudly, and go on strike, so I was secretly hoping that he would continue not paying me so that I could blithely ignore the looming tax season.  But no.  There was a shiny, shiny check sitting on the desk for me this morning, so I need to prepare to send out W-2s and finish cooking the books balancing the accounts so that our accountant can file our tax return ASAP.  Even though I upped my withholdings considerably last year I am due a fairly sizeable return as long as the business didn't make any money (which, if it did, would only be about $500 - $1000 but it still screws things up because we have to pay mega taxes on that money).  I know for sure that one company lost money, not so sure about the other one.  So we'll see.

Hope nobody got too drunk over New Years.  I was at work, so no drinky for me.

The Santa Dilemma

Like most people who become parents, I had many lofty ideals, most of which, had I written them down on pieces of paper, would now be ripped into tiny shreds.  My kid watches TV, eats sugar, I have used threats and coercion to elicit certain behaviors, I have lost my temper and yelled, etc.  The list goes on.

As of today 4.5 years after becoming a parent, only two of the lofty ideals are in force: 1) I have never hit the Moosh in anger, and 2) I have not perpetuated the Santa myth. 

Well folks, I think one of those mighty redwoods is about to fall.  I have kept my personal obligation not to lie to the Moosh about Santa.  I have never played up Santa, or pretended Santa was real.  In fact, I think it's safe to say that until this year my sweet son had no idea who/what Santa was.  I did not go out of my way to achieve this.  In fact, this year he's been really interested in Christmas specials that play up Santa and it was no big deal.  Lofty ideal intact.

Enter pre-K, and a whole slew of 4- and 5-year-olds who are all crazy about Santa.  The teachers indulge them (of course - and I really don't have a problem with it) so there is now adult agreement that Santa is real and will bring presents on Christmas.

The last two weeks have been a constant theme of, "Is Santa coming yet?" "Not yet." "Is Santa coming yet?" "Not yet." "When Santa does come, will he bring me presents?" "Hm, what do you think?" "I think yes!!!!" etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum. 

It is around this point that we start crossing "my line" of not lying about Santa.  However, I feel like a big, crappy stick-in-the-mud for disabusing him of his enjoyment of Santa.  He is 4 years old.  It only seems right to let him enjoy his fantasy.  So I had kind of relaxed about it, and while I'm still not all rah-rah-rah about Santa, I haven't been guarding my language and I've tried to let go of my ideals.

Until.  Until.

Today we got into the, "Is Santa coming to my house?" and I was kind of only half listening and said, "Oh, sure honey!" without really thinking about it.  See, we celebrate Christmas almost entirely at my parents' house.  We don't even have a proper Christmas tree because I am a cheap ass and wanted to pick up a nice fake tree in the after Christmas sales this year.  I have to work on Christmas night, so after I get home we'll be going straight to their house to celebrate and open presents.  My sister had already planned to leave out an unwrapped "Santa" gift for him there, but he is clearly anticpating there being a present at his house, Christmas morning.  Um.

You see, while slightly positive Santa based conversation is merely tiptoeing on "my line," me leaving a gift out at my house for my son from a mythical being takes such a giant leap over "my line" that the line is really no longer visible.  It just makes my skin crawl.  I hate the notion of it.  But at the same time, there is the whole "stick-in-the-mud" issue.  He's a kid.  Kids love Christmas.  Kids love Santa.  He is four.  It's not like I am torturing him or anything. But ugh.  Ugh and yuck.

I have been a believer in letting other people believe what they want to believe for a very long time.  I don't want to enforce my beliefs on him.  It's inevitable, I know, that he will pick up on what R and I believe and either assimilate that or not, but I don't want to limit him in what he wants to do because it's his life, and it's his decision. 

So, taking all that into consideration, what should I do? Should I participate in something that I think is dumb for the sake of my child's beliefs, or should I let my beliefs override his?  I can't decide.

Wherein I Am A Sucker

They took pictures of the kids at the Reggio school a couple of weeks ago.  It was like the 3rd day we were at the school, I totally forgot about it and just dressed him in what I normally would, and planned not to buy any pictures because they are usually prohibitively expensive.

The pictures came in yesterday, and I thought, "What the hell, I'll take a look."  So I opened up the envelope and I swear to you, all the photos turned out beautifully.  I mean they were gorgeous.  Gorgeous in their gorgeousness. 

Then I was like, well, maybe I'll just buy a sheet or two... but which ones to buy? I sorted through them for a few minutes while the Moosh whined and moaned (dunno what's up with him lately, but he is Mr. Whiny these days) and finally just decided to screw it and I bought the whole set.

I realize now what a total racket the whole school picture thing is.  You take a parent, sit them in a room, and give them beautiful pictures of their beloved child, then sit back and watch psychology at work and count your money.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

Who Knew?

We did end up at the doctor on Wednesday, only to discover that the Moosh had walking pneumonia and an ear infection!  I was shocked... I mean, this is the kid who was bouncing around the living room not 5 minutes before we left for the doctor's office.  He never ran a fever. She asked me if he had been complaining about his ear... and he hadn't.  He'd complained a lot about his stomach, but never mentioned his ear at all.

I posted about the Moosh's awful runny nose back in the beginning of November.  I had taken him to the doctor's office that same day and asked the nurse practitioner to give him a different antihistimine/decongestant because the stuff he was on just wasn't working and I was worried about him getting a serious illness.  She pooh-poohed me and gave me the same stuff that hadn't been working for months. 

Honestly after that I was reluctant to take him in with "just" the runny nose because nobody seemed that concerned about it.

I complained to the doctor, loudly, on Wednesday that I thought the nurse practitioner's incompetence was directly involved in the Moosh's current pneumonia (for fuck's sake), and made sure that she knew he needed something else to control the drainage.  She started him on a one-two punch: Singulair and a nasal spray called Rhinocort.  Lo and behold... 3 days later we are now free of the runny nose of doom.  He seems a lot better, but I can't help kicking myself for just allowing that nurse practitioner to give him the same stuff that didn't work the first time.

Meanwhile I thought I had the same thing on Thursday, and ended up calling in to work because I felt so rotten.  I think now it was lack of sleep and worry... I felt fine after a good night's sleep. 

I truly hope this is the end of the runny nose of doom. 

Sleep Not Optional

When I got home this morning, I packed the Moosh's lunch, made his breakfast, and went to wake him up.  He was way groggier than usual, and about 2 minutes after I'd gotten him out of bed R woke up and told me that he'd been up all night coughing.  Fuck.  No.

I immediately put him back to bed and called in to his school, then hopped into bed with him.  He continued sleeping from 8 AM - 11 AM, then we got up for a few hours and went out to lunch, shopped a bit, etc.   Then I had to plan Phase 2 of sleeping.  My contingency plan for days like this is:

• Try to get the Moosh to nap, and sleep while he sleeps.  Failing that:
• Try to find someone to watch him while I sleep.  Failing that:
• Occupy him with television in my bedroom while I semi sleep.

The funny thing is that my Dad is pretty much finished with work, except for one day this week... which just happened to be today.  He was busy all day.  The Moosh did not nap (I was really surprised about this, but there you go), so I moved on to Plan C, TV in the bedroom. 

Thing is, we don't have a TV in that bedroom already.  We have one TV that's hooked up to cable and our DVD player and that is in the living room.  The other TV is our old 19 inch which currently resides in R's room.  It is unused.  We don't have an alternate DVD player, either.  So I rummaged through our movie collection and found a VHS of Shrek.   Becuase of said VHS tape, I did not purchase the necessary hardware at Target to hook up the DVD player to the old TV.

I moved the TV and the VCR into the bedroom and popped in the Shrek tape.  I made the Moosh a nice snack and got him settled in front of the TV, then went off to change into my pajamas.  Imagine then my surprise when I heard the Shrek tape start up.... in Spanish.  Yes, folks, I had pinned my afternoon nap on the Spanish dubbed Shrek VHS.

Back into the car, braless and in pajamas, to buy the converter so that I could hook up the DVD player to the old TV. We used to have one but I have no idea what happened to it.  I told the Moosh I would buy him a movie to go with the converter because he was upset about me going to the store in my pajamas.

At Target, again, I got the converter and seriously considered buying the cheapest DVD player they had to ease the installation process of our current DVD player, but in the end decided to save the $30.  The Moosh got a Care Bears movie (blech) and we were out of there and back home by 4 PM.  I ripped out the DVD player from the main set up and got it installed in the bedroom.  Then I gave the Moosh his snack, and told him I was going to nap next to him on the bed and if he needed anything he could come and ask me and I would get it for him.

Plan C was... somewhat successful.  You can't really sleep while also babysitting, and I found the movie to be quite intrustive to my sleep process.  I was able to doze enough to get a second wind and wake up enough to make dinner and straighten up the house.  When R came home I went back to bed and got another hour of semi-sleep before I left for work.

One thing I will do differently for the future: I am definitely buying a cheapo DVD player.  I have not yet been able to hook the cables for the current DVD player to the TV because it's really a two man job, and I am not two people. Also I had forgotten how... tempermental the DVD shelf in the entertainment center is... suffice it to say that there was much swearing involved in this process and I do not want to do it again.

I gave R some extra medicine for the Moosh tonight, to give as needed, but if he continues to cough all night and not sleep then I forsee YET ANOTHER trip to the doctor in our future.  He's only had a runny nose for 2 months, and despite my protests, the doctor's office continues to give him the same decongestant that doesn't work.   We all need our sleep, though.  Sleep not optional.

I Caved... Slightly

Well I did take the Moosh to school today, but only until lunchtime.  He's still not a big fan of the nap, so I had four lovely hours all to myself and then I picked him up and we had a nice afternoon together.

This is kind of a pseudo-post to finalize the NaBloPoMo, which has been super fun this year.  I'll be keeping up the daily or near-daily posting into the future, though.

Putting Me First (For Once)

I ended up taking tonight off from work because I had one last vacation day that had to be used before the end of the year (say nothing of my 3 WEEKS of vacation I have in addition to that "one last day" - I have more than 4 weeks of vacation that MUST be used next year, yikes) mainly because I didn't sleep on Monday and I have been running half empty since then.

This is the part of the story where I must tell you that I am becoming That Mother.  Because, yes, I will be sending my child to school all day tomorrow even though I have the day off.  I never thought I would be That Mother, but there you go.  I am justifying my transition to That Motherness with the following:

• I get long periods of uninterrupted time to myself so rarely that I can't remember the last time it happened.
• One of the main points of putting him in school this year was to buy me a little time if I needed to say, get a haircut or regain my sanity without begging for a babysitter.
• He actually likes school now.  I would never have left him at the last school if I were off... but he'll miss pizza day if I keep him home tomorrow, and he's looking forward to it.
• It's good preparation for next year when he will be in school whether I am off or not.

Those are all good, reasonable justifications for taking him to school for 6.5 hours tomorrow.  And yet, I have The Guilt.  I can't explain it, I really DO need the time to myself, but I feel horrible at the very thought.

That's not stopping me, mind you!

Reggio, Day 1

Well I am happy to report that I am cautiously optimistic about the Reggio school.  The teacher I dropped him off with this morning handled things really well and got me out the door without either me or the Moosh dissolving into tears.  I didn't sleep a wink today, I was so worried about the whole situation, but when I went to pick him up he was playing happily with another kid and didn't even notice I was in the room for almost three minutes.  His classroom teacher said that he had done really well.  He'd eaten all of his lunch (!!!! - he never ate lunch at the other school), participated in activities, rested on his mat without a fuss, and as I said, was playing happily when I got there.

The teacher, Ms. P., said that she was really pleased that he fit so well into the classroom. Apparently this group of children had been together for a long time and she said that it really makes for a laid-back classroom atmosphere. 

The Moosh was a little closemouthed about school but later I did get out of him that he had fun.  He hasn't so much as mentioned his other school once since I told him he didn't have to go back.  Boo.  Boo on bad school.

There will be no more not-sleeping-a-wink in the future.  I am 30 minutes into my shift and I am practically asleep on my keyboard.  Not to mention, I was a royal bitch to the Moosh all evening because I was so tired.  No more of that, thank you very much. 

Onwards and upwards!