I've been having sort of a metaphysical crisis since we got back from Iran. I am so very depressed I can barely function. I will begin at the beginning.
I had a pregnancy hope/scare while we were in Iran. I think I was about 2-3 weeks late when we got back. Of course, the first thing I did was pee on a stick (within moments of arriving home), and it was negative. I was devastated, of course, because I'd gotten my hopes up and researched midwives on the internet and all that. As of this writing I still have not gotten my period, but I suspect it's due to my thyroid problem (amenorrhea is a classic symptom of hypothyroidism) and I'm going to the doctor soon for a blood test.
However, there was a flip side to all my celebration. I wasn't sure I wanted another baby. I was afraid of what would happen physically (I had terrible, horrible morning sickness with the Moosh), not to mention the fact that R is still working every day and we all barely see each other, and that R and I are both stretched to our absolute limit financially and emotionally. So I spent the whole vacation tied up in knots between being scared and happy and trying to figure out what to do.
Then I got home and got the negative, and I was happy because I didn't have to deal with having another baby right now. Thing is, I think the baby/no baby pregnant/not pregnant thing sent me over what little edge I had left. R was still being a total ass, our vacation that I paid so much money for completely sucked, and I wasn't pregnant. Other than the Moosh, what did I have to live for?
Then things went from bad to worse. I had to pressure R for money and he got mad at me. This culminated in a heated argument that scared the Moosh. So then I was thinking here I am in this crappy marriage with a jerk who doesn't even care about his child's feelings. And honestly, I think this was the thing that pushed me into freefall. I decided to get out of the marriage because I was just having too much piled on me at one time. I started to line up consultations with lawyers and so forth, all the while telling R that I thought we needed a separation and that we should sell the house because I am literally going crazy trying to juggle everything. This, of course, upsets R and he says that I am holding him hostage by threatening to leave all the time, and that he'll never get to see his child, and who am I to just walk out?
I spent a few days convinced that I was totally right and that R was an ass and that he didn't deserve to have me or the Moosh around. Then I came home two nights in a row and watched them playing with each other and my heart just broke into a million tiny little pieces. R and I had a long, civil conversation two days ago and we both promised each other to go a little easier on the relationship because we are all having such a hard time.
Just to put a cherry on top of this sundae of misery, my sister is negotiating to get out of her babysitting relationship with us. I knew this was coming, because she really needs to get a "real job" and because she's using my dad's car to get to our house and it's costing him a lot in gas and car upkeep. Since R doesn't want to have a live-in aupair (the only nanny care we can remotely afford), I realized that my dream of staying on the evening shift indefinitely is coming to an end. For six years, I've lived this awesome alterna-teen lifestyle - staying up all night, sleeping until noon, being off on weekdays - and loving it. It's just not working really well for us at this point. So sometime between June and September I will be switching to day shift and enrolling the Moosh in some sort of care facility. This is a huge, but necessary, change. I am dreading it, honestly.
I am just so depressed. My marriage sucks, I'm broke, I have to change shifts, I have to put the Moosh in day care, and we're probably just going to have one kid, and I feel like I've lost everything I like about my life.
So that's why I haven't been posting, because I knew that I would just be wah-wah, poor me, and I just want to crawl under a rock and suck my thumb.